and when you least expect it.. you realize that there are angels. [entries|friends|calendar] mina. journal profile friends myspace [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[December 03, 2008] I can remember it perfectly. It was last summer and it was the very first second I laid my eyes on you. The last week of July had never felt so right. You had your random pink shirt on, but you thought it was red because you can’t really see colors right. “Sorry girls, I only date models,” printed on the front of it and red shorts… you thought you went together perfectly and in your head, you did. In my head, you did. Cigarette clipped in between your left index and middle fingers, hand on the handle bars… you cracked a smile and extended your opposite hand. “Hey, I’m Nick.” We shook hands and in that split second, I knew for a fact that you and I would have quite the story. In a summer, we went from smoking weed in sheds, to “That is so fucked up.” in washrooms, to falling for each other, dare I say. You and me… we were like a whirlwind of emotions – a twist of colors spinning quickly – each color visible for only a second and then summarily switched. But in that second, that one color could brighten up the darkest room and illumination was never so pure. And maybe it was really for only a second, but a second was all we really needed. I guess that’s how I can describe how I felt about you then. But it’s been a year and I still feel the same way about you. And I have wondered time and time again why there hasn’t been one single day that you haven’t crossed my mind. And every single day, my questions are left unanswered. Well, not entirely. I do have one answer but all my friends tell me I’m crazy. I’m far too young to fall in love. But why else would I have the stupidest link to the stupidest boy I have ever met? Why else would I still put myself in the same fucked up situation over and over again? Even when we went ten months without saying a word to each other, going our separate ways… why would we both end up trying to fix things with each other? Why would I spend all my time trying to figure out why? And why would I write random accountings that you will never read… just like this one? To be honest, I really don’t know. I don’t know what it is about you. I mean, you really aren’t anything special. Your hair isn’t even, your eyes have weird rings around the pupil, you’re three years older than me, your jeans are ripped and you’re missing a tooth on the right side. There are plenty of men that others would consider more appropriate for me. But when I look at you, I know that all the days I’ve missed you, all the days I sat at home and cried, when I look at you… I know they were worth it. And because of them, I’m looking at the only man that will ever seem perfect to me. And perfect is so hard for me to say because what I have gone through for you is a lot less than perfect. I could even say it was hell what I’ve done for you. But then you call me and tell me you couldn’t sleep or you haven’t eaten and my whole world stops because there is nothing more that I want to do than to help you. To help you understand what you’re worth to me, and to tell you the truth, I don’t know if you ever will be able to understand what you’re worth to me. Because I see you as an angel and no matter how much wrong you do in this world, I remind myself that it’s not so bad. And when I look at you, all the pieces fall into place and the heartbreak is so easy to take. Because when I look at you, my feelings do cartwheels and at the end of the day, all the wrong you do doesn’t mean a thing to me. So the truth is, I love you. I love you in all your stupid uneven hair, nail-biting, fidgeting, blunt rolling, falling-off-your-skateboard you-ness. And I know that doesn’t make sense, but neither does the way I feel. So I hope one day I get the courage to show this to you, and have you read it. But maybe I never will. And that’s perfectly okay. Because feelings are worth more than words on paper, and how I feel about you is worth more than words can even describe. So I’m going to conclude this with a thank you. Thank you for teaching me what it feels like to fly with a summer breeze underneath me. A flight without wings, a song without music. A silence that could prove anyone wrong, and feelings I’ll never be able to describe. -- It's been another year. I think I'm crazy. READREPLY

[October 20, 2007] [ mood | drained ] so everyone asks me why i still bother with you. why i still bother with the hurt & the lies.. and i know exactly why. its because i'm happiest when i'm around you- i'm a better person when i'm around you. it's because you know exactly what to say... and how to say it. it's because you pick me flowers on our way to the skatepark on your birthday. it's because i thought they were worth keeping, even when we're not on speaking terms. it's because i could stay on the phone with you till 7 AM, watchin the sun come up. it's because i could tell you what was on my mind, and let you in on how bad i hurt sometimes. it's because you thought i was pretty without makeup, or hair extensions. it's because you feel like home.. no matter where we are. it's because you're new girlfriend doesn't get it- she'll never get us. it's because you taught me how to be strong, even when my world began to break. it's because you fucked up my sleeping habits. it's because i spent days with you doing nothing but enjoying each other's company. it's because i compare every guy i meet to you. it's because none of them ever come close. it's because you're nothing special, but you're absolutely everything to me. it's because you respected my decisions, even when i was being stupid. it's because you sat there and took it when i yelled at you, and held me right afterwards when i started to cry. it's because you can admit you're wrong. it's because we fought so often and i never thought it was worth giving up. it's because it's been so long. it's because i miss the way it feels in the summer time. it's because we still need to go to florida. it's because you're back in school, and it's because i pushed for you to do your work last year. it's because i don't care about your charges, and you don't care about my past. it's because you knew my favorite color was pink, and you brought me pink flowers and wrapped them up in paper and taped it shut so it wouldn't get ruined when you skateboarded to bring them to me. it's because you looked passed my age. it's because you can make me laugh. it's because you used to show me off to your friends. it's because i could tell when you were high. it's because i noticed you have rings around your pupil, and you're missing a tooth on the right side. it's because you could never quit smoking. it's because you gave me the feeling of being infinite.. everytime i saw you. it's because you make everything make sense. it's because your dad hit you and you have a scar on your back.. and it's because i remembered that. it's because you walked in the rain to see me. it's because i saw you almost everyday. it's because i could say anything you've ever said to me, back to you. it's because i'll never forget you. it's because of alot of things.. but mainly... why do i still bother with you? thats easy. it's because the best part about me was you. READREPLY

[May 21, 2007] [ mood | thankful ] once upon a time.. everything, everything finally makes sense. all the tears, late nights, not forgetting, everyday wondering.. it all makes sense now. the clock can finally stop. our story of wait and ponder, in this twisted game of cat and mouse can finally conclude. the epilogue can commence, because were finally done. were finally done.. after ten months. ten months of waiting. ten months of no phone calls. ten months of rumors. to this moment. it feels like the first day of summer, first day i met you. with your cheesy "sorry girls, i only date models" pink shirt and your cigarette, i'll always remember things like that. and apparently, you did too. you told me. you said i'd always been on your mind. i said i was sometimes reminded of you, but to be honest, you've always been on mine too. so i'm done missing you. i'm done worrying. i'm done fighting myself. i have you. and that makes everything i went through up till this moment so so so worth it. thank you. so sign the authors signature, write a short biography and staple the pages together. because i've finally got my happy ending. ..the end. READREPLY

[March 19, 2007] Isn't it funny how you think you have let go of someone but then they randomly pop back into your life, and with a simple crash and flicker of lights, your feelings have flooded back... again? I can't help but feel bad and wonder how we would have ended up. But thank you for everything, really. Everything. Oh, how clueless I would be without you. And how sad I am now that I have realized, you're still gone. And the amount of people I'm going to lose in the next two years.. people I have grown up with, it will make me so sad. You guys have been the only thing constant in my life. Really. I can't stop any of you guys from growing up, but I wish I could just freeze everything and melt away with the people I have fallen in love with. Lost earrings, our long nights, "You toke like a meth addict," our ecstasy trips, everything. What I would give to stop everything next year. Stop time and just... just be. Just be alive. With all of you. I'm going to miss you all so much, and when the day comes that you all actually leave.. I know I won't have the guts to tell you how much I will and already do miss you.. and these next two years, they're just going to be preperation on saying goodbye. Goodbye to the people that taught me everything I know. Goodbye to my whole world. It's going to be so hard to let go. My heart breaks a bit everytime I think about it. So fuck Calgary, fuck Serbia, fuck everywhere.. but here with me. READREPLY

[March 15, 2007] i look good. but i am not beautiful. i wish i was of substance, i wish i was pretty because of how i thought, i wish people were attracted to what i have to say. imun, still. <3 READREPLY

[January 28, 2007] [ mood | pleased ] i have learned to LOVE unconditionally, to FORGIVE wholeheartedly, and to FIGHT for what we have. and maybe this scares me a little bit. but i have also learned to ADMIT to you that you make me happier than you could ever imagine. & for this. i am thankful. READREPLY

[January 14, 2007] nesto, YOUR CUTE EL SALVADORIAN FRIEND IS THE BEST FUCKING BOYFRIEND EVER. ty. READREPLY

[January 07, 2007] nesto, bring your cute el salvadorian friend here. ty. READREPLY

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